Relation of Jaume Alcazarquivir: a mediœval guerreiro

According to the Balearic chronicler and scriber Josep Tarda i Mas, in his rhymed epopee "Flora e troquel of the mendicant-warriors of Andalusia e Reygnos Christianos d'Orient in the XIII centuria" (1355), the warrior Jaume Alcazarquivir was born somewhere in Gascoigne*, but he hadn't any mother, just emerged from a rock inseminated (impregnated) by cum of Pyrenean paladins.

The story of a man popping out from a rock as a feasible fact has been matter of intense debate among Patriarchs of Antioch, monks and scholastic theologians during the centuries of our planet.

When Jaume Alcazarquivir was 9 years old, he strangled an immense boa constrictor, overwhelming the repulsive and gelatinous ophidious with his own hands at the jungles des Vosges.

This repellent incident inspired a clairvoyant (a meiga), who predicted that Jaume would invade and destroy the north of Africa.




With monstrous exactitude the prophecy came true when Jaume Alcazarquivir was 16:

he invaded and burned the medinas of Fes and Melilla with a legion of aparceros, and captured Oran in the name of the queen Berenguela of Castile in 1217

the blazon of the Plantagenets was incrusted on the minaret of the putrid citadel

and then, the sultan Munir el-Menem el-Munir was ignominiously reduced to vassalage, insupportable offense for the Arabic

in act of supreme authoritarianism, Jaume Alcazarquivir converted the whole population of Oran to the Roman Catholicism by force, and walled the city with compact panels of wood, to avoid the entrance of the Berber nomads, who trafficked with yogurt of camel, honey of trunk and scimitars.


After these feats in land of the Muslim, Jaume returned to the Christian Sphere, and founded his court in Monzón, where he built a tubular castle, surrounded by a circular ditch full of lizards:






at the central hall of the castle in Monzón, an assembly of nobles discussed the implementation of the catapult, among chicken's and red liquor's.

Not withstanding, all this relative calm would get interrupted, when a page enters the big hall and announces the presence of a scary beast that is devastating near burghs and terraces

Jaume Alcazarquivir stands up immediately and prepares war, to dominate or domeñate the monster:

before his departure in search of the beast, Don Jaume is blessed by his court with obsequious feetkissing (besapies).



Jaume Alcazarquivir and his men sought the animal through the carbonized towns until they found it swimming in a curdled lagoon
the image was repugnant:

at first, the friar of the cohort, Martín J. Louis, took the monster for the abominable Lleviatán, so vividly described on the Vulgate, although, after a closer look, he realized that this savage monstrosity was the repellent Busgosu annotated and cataloged on the Asturian bestiaries, an enormous thing who is born with part of his body covered with diverse metals, like the plata Lappas

the Busgosu shares 8% of genoma with the human, and his body resembles a fat lamb with bird's feet and man's eyes:
Don Jaume and his cohort note that the horned miscreation has a chrome plated button adhered to his navel (symbol of his spurious birth), and that his toenails are made of green copper

every now and then the monster submerses his metallic green head on the coagulated waters of the laguna, producing a loathsome noise full of gargarisms, mixed with rudimentary word of man


disgusted, Jaume Alcazarquivir throws incendiary torch at the laguna, whose waters catch fire immediately (due to its grumous condition) as the Busgosu starts burning in the middle of the high flames, like a lamb in Hell, or a son in the oven.


The immense and semi-carbonized monster runs desperate, to fall dead from a cliff over a small village called Cabra, which gets completely pulverized under the gargantuan weight of the bestiún.


And this, and many many other glorious hazañas and prodigies Jaume Alcazarquivir achieved in the course of his 100 years of life, and he also coined Maravedises, and killed Gargamél Miliki, the vile children eater


Jaume Alcazarquivir found death cremated alive by the flames of a dragón furente, at the gates of Fuenterrabia

his skeleton was put into a crystal box, which is hanged from the Consistorial House of Toulon until today.
































Relation of Jaume Alcazarquivir: a mediœval guerreiro?