Rampant career & epoustouflant fall of "Hermanas Retorcidas", the heaviest metal band from the Mexican border

"... I must destroy what's on MY MIND / 
and as I am caged here like a MENTAL SICK(sic)... / 
the gods claim REVENGEANCE FROM THEIR TOMBBS / 
and IRUN MAN(sic) chastises his prey after DEATH / 
intoxication, INTOXICATION...!!! "

(Hermanas Retorcidas, "Hammerhead", 1986)








The story of Hermanas Retorcidas begins in Cucamonga in 1985, previously named "Clitburster" they entered the hair metal scene almost as fast as they were ejected out of it by means of phenomenal chute provided by their own fans, who forced 'em to stop playing live in the name of thee Beatals & Beethoven.

In astute move, Clitburster became Hermanas Retorcidas in 86, and thanks to heavy make up and lipstick, their old fans were fooled, and no one knew that they were back, and playing worse than ever.

After a short and ignited number of shows on the Bay Area, they were chased by Geffun Recs, and forced to record an LP 33 1/3 RPM in 25 minutes..... desperate, the leader of the band, Giorgio Gomelsky, swallowed brusqueely 35 Lexotanils pushed with a glass of water (in his desperation Gomelsky swallowed the glass too).... this brainless impulse, though, invigorated his brain brootally, so much that in 1 second he called his bandmates and starteed recording an album at high speed, so fast but so fast, that the running time of the LP (25 minutes) is longer than the time they spent recording it (24 minutes 1 nanosecond).

"Hermanas Retorcidas" was printed at high speed all night and released the next day at 11 AM, with a press conchaference at "Tower Records", with the band members in person completely doped.

Once in Tower Records Giorgio Gomelsky -totally stoned with a coctel of turpentine & crushed morcilla- lost his marbles and starteed running in the rekkerd store totally bananas, with a lighter in his hand, and set a pile of Paul Anka LPs on fire, with tragic consequences, because the rococo curtains of the hall catched flame(sic), and the whole place was reduceed to ashes in 7 minites.

Unfortunately the band members survived, with their ortos severely scorcheed, and I say unfortunately because they had to spend 9 months in jail, and could not tour the LP.... unexpectedly -in part thanks to thee scandal and the crime- "Hermanas Retorcidas" became an obese success, selling 6.900.000 copies in 37 minites, backed by the single "Hammerhead", that alternatively ousted Whitesnake, Ozzy, Def Leopard, AC/DC & Twister Sister from the top 5 of "Billboo".

This jaw-dropping fact was hidden by Geffun Recs, and the band members never knew that they were rich.... after being released from the pokey, in thee last straw of kynicism, Geffun Recs. asked 'em a second album, offering a succulent contract consisting of 90 dollars in advance, and a skate for every band member; Giorgio Gomelsky accepted, signed and started composing thee songs.... 3 days later the rekkerd was rekkerded and it was released immediately, notwithstanding, the final disaster knocked at the door of Hermanas Retorcidas and Geffun Recs. at thee same time: as the cover showed an erect penis, it was accused by Rev. Jimmy Swaggarch of impiety and extreme immorality, and Hermanas Retorcidas were sent to the jail again, along with David Geffun -mogul of Geffen Recs.- whose offices had to be sold to pay the bail. After this calamity, Geffun was declared financially insolvent, and its back catalog was purchased by Sony Music for 90 dollars and a skate.

David Geffun committeed suikide cutting his jugular with a Madridian churro.

On thee other hand (not this, thee other), the members of Hermanas Retorcidas were condemned to 1475 years of jail after violent tumult and wrangle with other inmates of the prison, fact that forced 'em to disband, momentarily.

A posthumous -and fake- release of Hermanas Retorcidas was issued by means of "Chimichanga Music": "Fighting for thee Rockers", which actually was recorded by a band called Sucking Hole, and fraudulently sold as Hermanas Retorcidas.








Lamentable, another tremendous story in the anals of rock n' roll; I don't have no words to refeer these grim facts, I don't even know how I did it.