A Warning from the Sun

The Captain Elder Barber was not sure if it was 7 AM or 7 PM of the day 6 of July of 20... 

suddenly he heard a powerful voice coming through the window of his office
it was an imperious voice, authoritarian, acero

the voice was metallic and loud, and it seemed to come from some place in the sky
Elder Barber leant out with his neck stretched like an urogallo through the window, but he couldn't see anything in particular


I swear you that the curiosity won, and he walked to the outside, to observe the source of such unusual noise face to face:

once he trespassed the door, in the middle of the patio of those barracks of the melancholic military life, he realized with fear that the voice was coming directly from the Sun.





The speech of the vox from the sky was repetitive and nauseating:




"Beware Terrícolas, we are going to send a massive discharge of sobaos pasiegos to crush the Earth, sons of BITCH. HAHAHA!
This is your end, Terrícolas, basura, mierda, hijos de dos puta[sic], can't you understand, that HAHAHA!.. That we're going to send a truckload of s-s-s-s-sobaos pasiegos, that are gonna impact on the Earth?? HAHAHA! A truckload of sobaos pasiegos as big as the ass of Neptune.
Because we're going to shoot 7.000.000.000.000.000 tons. of sobaos Dulcesol to destroy the Earth today, MBGWHAHA! Because we're going to erase the Planet Earth from the space that it occupies, and put our own inflatable planet in its place, HAHAHA, turros!"




The diabolical voice coming from the solar disc just kept repeating the same strange phrases on and on, non stop, like an insane and invisible prophet of stainless steel, and despite Elder Barber was a real macho, and had a big pair of balls, and despite he didn't understand well what the voice said, he felt a sudden attack of panic and lost consciousness




the day was abnormally hot, and the Sol showed its light with atypical ardor over the educated world, and cities like Rome, Paris or London heard the voice, but each one heard it speaking in their respective local language, because this vox seemed to be operated from a very complex software or centralita based on il Sole, and it was emitted in many languages, including Esperanto, Chamorro and Canchanchán.



As the night was falling over Occident, an immense cannon appeared in the Sun, it was a large mounted weapon, able to fire heavy projectiles, and it was pointing directly at the EARTH.


All the countries of the free and civilized world -this is, the E.U. and the USA- started mounting quickly a huge protector shield of a brand new alloying of elastic steel, which would protect the airspace, from Germany to Calafornia, and would reject the imminent torrent of sobaos pasiegos fired from the Sun by these unknown malefactors, enemies of the liberty, and enemies of everything in general


because, who were these menacing extreterrestriel hobos anyway?

How many? Millions? Zillions? Cinco?

Androides? De carne?

Or maybe there was one only luciferian mind behind all this? 
A huge Alien mind agglutinating in its super-brain a whole nation of perverted E.T's, a massive mind as big as a super-computer operating from the Sun?


The Russian Federation mounted a similar oligoshield as well, made with a crushed mash of phonographic records, bakelite, foot balls and petrified mackerel, all adhered with Plasticola
yes, as you hear it: another oligoshield, to protect all the Russias and the Mandarinate of the Red China, because the evil discharges from the Sun were IMMINENT.


The blue kingdom of Japan, on the other hand, refused to receive help from Russia and China, and chose to protect the island of Nippon submersing the whole country into the ocean like a national submarine, by means of complicadísimo thermonuclear malabarismo, black magic, aqualungs, and a massive set of amphibious wings (?)


The hours passed by with the audacity of a Sun running fast over his own butt:
as the first rays of light appeared from the east, a countdown started, the countdown to annihilate the Earth, and it was heard from the ear of the countries, because the vox coming from the Sun was like the voice of una bruja or an ogre.

All the policemen of the world were intercommunicated by means of Live Hotmail Microsoft and Facebook Chat, when a first discharge was heard:

a huge, inhuman ejaculation of sobaos and magdalenas, as big as Montecarlo, was spat out from the round circumference of Apollo, flying directly to destroy the USA and its colony, Canada

the immense brown ball of pastry traveled the cosmos at prodigious velocity, it looked like a Jumbo of shit in the air, and finally caught fire, when it was about to impact on the protector shield: 
the entire population of the WORLD held the breath observing the giant PROJECTILE of sobaos and magdalenas in flames


making a monstrous clangor, heard in every corner of La Tierra, the titanic ball of sobaos and magdalenas valencianas collided with the shield of the liberty, and almost breaks it, but the shield of the good ones could stand the bestial impact, and in AWESOME elastic rebound, rejected the infamous missile of sobaos, sending it back to the Sun in spectacular ricochet

and once again, every giant cannonball made of pastry, and sent by the Alienígenas was rejected by the elastic and heroic shields, making it return back to sender, al culo del sol de vuelta, in glorious counterattack.





This comin' and goin' of huge balls of sobaos Dulcesol and all this extreme violence provoked a deafening noise on the Earth, and on the Sun as well, thanks to this routine of planetary shots and rebounds, which woke Elder Barber up: 
seeing the open conflagration and the acsolute[sic] state of CHAOS of La Terre, kneaded like a tit, he decided to appeal to the NUCLEAR, because Elder Barber was the Archcommander of the Army of the NATO, and he was more macho than thou:

quickly, Captain Barber put his pants on -because he was in shorts- and jumped on a JEEP, and ran driving across THE UNITED STATES, toward the nuclear headquarters of Calamuchita, in the middle of the desert. 



Once in command, Barber gave the due orders, and a colossal intercontinental ballistic missile was aimed at the Sun, to give these cosmic truhants a taste of their own medicine, while, from the very Sun, a similar warhead -the biggest of them all- was now pointed directly at Los Angelis, bringing the hostilities to a "mutual assured destruction" scenario









I turned my back violently to see, when an unexpected dot or punkt got open in the middle of the sky, like pink eye, as the rearviewmirror got suddenly blurry and...