Story of Bernard Neustadt, the man born from a potato

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Image of the little Bernard with his mother, when he was 5 years old, his unusual birth and physical structure made him look a little bit old for his age.















Bernardo Neustadt ¿lived? in a small town located somewhere in Europe, his mother was afraid of bearing a childd in her womb, so due to a complicated surgery the womb was implanted into a big bintje potato, the surgery was extremely delicate, and lasted 11.897 hours, when it was done, her husband had to fuck the potato repeatedly to impregnate it with his thick milkiness, and this is how Bernardo was pro-created.

The birth was ok, although the noble vegetable had to suffer a caesarean, because Benny had an immense head.

After the birth, the self-abnegating mother was boiled and served as puree.


Bernardo was born with and odd head, practically potato-form, and also his little torso and limbs were a bit potatesque, and potato-like was his voice, nasal, dare one say ganglionar or glutinous.


His skin was white-yellowish like peeled potato, and his head was completely bald like a billiard cue ball, reason why Bernard was frequent object of cruel mockeries in the school, because the kids called him names like "Potatin", "Tithead" or "Doublebutt", the children are cruel sometimes.

One time something dramatic happened, his mother threw violently Bernardo into the oven by mistake, over a chicken a la Dutch, and closed it hermetically, as Bernardo was being roasted alive he started shouting "I'm not  potato, take me out of here!"
Fortunately the mother heard his screams and saved the poor Bernardo from that Hell in the nick of time, right before he became soufflé.


After his graduation Bernardo started working as football journalist and commentator for a radio station, which followed and broadcasted the campaign of the William Boo Football Club, a modest team of the 9th division "Z", as the stadium was very very poor, the commentators had to be seated into the goals, and one afternoon during a match, the goalkeeper of William Boo F.C. confounded the Bernardo's head with a standard Adidas ball, so ran to Bernard, caught his head firmly with both hands and kicked it so bad that almost beheaded him.

For this lamentable incident Bernardo was hospitalized in coma with loss of all the vegetative functions for 4 years, with his eyes wide open like eggs a la Marsala but without breathing.

Once recovered, Bernard was hired at MacDonalds, but a workmate took him for a an Irish potato and tried to peel him so vigorously that Bernardo started bleeding profusely: the doctors bandaged him like a mummy an saved his life.

Once recovered and fed up of his bad luck, Bernardo joined the 'Militarized AntiEverything Brotherhood of Worldwide Potatohead Losers', and reclused himself in a monastery on the inaccessible mountains of Putamadre, Nepal.

Unfortunately, and when he thought he found the happiness and peace of mind, Bernardo choked violently eating a plate of Noisette potatoes and passed away.


A sad story indeed, intense though, passionately lived, and be these anemic lines token in memoriam of Bernard Neustadt, only man born from a bintje potato.


R.I.P.